Friday, July 15, 2011

why my baby?

Since I had Cody, I must have asked myself over a million times, why in the world did I have a handicapped child?  Even more times I wondered how come Cody got stuck with such a suck ass Mom?  But along with everything else that we don't have control over, I have learned to accept it.  I use to sometimes think, "Hey, he could have some hillbilly mom that locks her kids in cages and whips them daily."  Or have a child molester parent, which is so sick, I can't talk about that anymore.
So basically I stopped wondering.  Sometimes I think I even know the answer, well, at least what makes sense to me.
Growing up, I would have to say my family tops the list of dysfunctional families.  My dad divorced when I was about 3 or 4, and remarried a childless lady that had no business being a stepmom.  I don't really know the details, but my dad received custody of all six of his kids.  To this day I have not seen my mom, and don't even know if she is alive.  I think I could write for hours about my childhood, and all the terrible things that happened, but maybe later.  Good thing is I wasn't sexually abused, or physically, just mentally (the usual, lucky me).
I was a fairly wild girl, but always had the dream of being a Mom one day.  After many boyfriends, I settled for a guy that was head over heals obsessed with me.  I think we married around 1989.  His name was Phil.  I have no idea why we married, except for maybe we needed money and the reception was quite profitable.  I sorta didn't care too much for Phil, because he was one of those guys that took away independence.  He basically thought I was cheating on him most of the time and thought all my friends were out to break us up.  So I thought having a baby things would get better, well, at least I'd have a friend.  So after a year of marriage I became pregnant.  Unfortunately, on my 12th week I had my first miscarriage.  I was messed up from that to say the least.  I wanted to know what caused this ?  My doctor suggested they do testing on the fetus, and of course I agreed.  A few weeks later we found out it was some genetic disorder that had to do with chromosomes, but the probability of having this happen again was small,. almost impossible.
But really it didn't matter, I wanted to try again to have a baby. I would have taken the chance even if I was told I had a 50/50 chance of Siamese twins. Nuts I know!

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